how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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