I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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