haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
