Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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