I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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