i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
