I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
