I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
