i already hear my dad disowning me
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
