He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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