Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
