My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
