my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
