Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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