I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
