i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
