theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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