i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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