When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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