No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I came so hard my ears popped.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
