Pregnant stripper...not hot.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
