When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
