i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
