tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize