You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
