On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
