a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize