I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
