my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize