So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I want a musical about memes.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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