Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
