So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
