So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
did i walk over a car last night?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
