On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
