If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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