I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
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