Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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