NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
