remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
