I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
