the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
