the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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