2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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