You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He? As in you personified your dick?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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