new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
