K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
