Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My feet surprised me
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
