I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
