You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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