ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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