Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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