ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
