She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
