she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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