VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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