allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
