Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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