I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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