Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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